Things are certainly getting better.. at least emotionally.
always brings me a smile whenever i think about her. i'm glad that she still loves me.. hell i'm glad that I still love her.

i realized that regardless of whatever has happened, be it the good times, bad times, etc, i was happy to be with her, to love her, and be loved by her. it just feels right, regardless of what happened. after all that drama i experienced since march this year, i realized that she's the one.

lazy to meet and open up to someone new? don't think so. lazy to tell them about myself all over again? unlikely. as of now, even though we're with each other for 2yrs+(inclusive of the time now), i realize that most guys(and a certain butch) certainly have no inkling of what kind of person she is.

i don't profess to know everything about her, and even though i know a bit more than most, learning about her is an ongoing process, because i still learn something new about her now and then. there are times when she'll change her tastes and the like for certain things, so it's not exactly a stagnant process.

but here's the interesting point. why would i go to great lengths for her, and not anyone else? i guess that's a pretty simple thing to answer. it's because i love her. sure, i was probably impatient about the whole hoo-haa back then, but i realized i should have just been more patient, and let her figure out where her true feelings lie.

during my darkest moments, i had tried to read up about relationships and emotions and, basically male-female interactions. one such method, is to love freely, without expecting anything in return. to not just love one, but all women, without prejudice or biasness. and soon the one will come by.

as much as i tried my best to understand that philosophy, i just can't. love every single women? i dunno, but it just doesn't sit well with me. doesn't sound or feel right. sure most of the other relationship tips were helpful and useful, but that core philosophy about loving everyone... nah, i'll pass.

why spend all that energy on everyone, when one could just conserve it for the one and only? which is what i'm trying to do now.

after taking numerous steps back, and looking at the big picture, it was not her fault, nor was it mine, that things went wrong. it was both our fault. forever at each other's necks, and i never realized how badly she needed my support and companionship. while i was out having fun, thinking everything's alright.. of coz the methods she used to gain what she couldn't from me wasn't amoral, but i was doing a pretty bad job as being her bf if she had to resort to gain support and companionship from others. we both had a part to play in that.

now? the fact that we love each other, is now allowing us to rekindle what was lost and work towards a better relationship, and a better future. no more fighting. more talking and discussing and resolving issues. it takes 2 to clap, and back then, we've been missing each other's palms for sure.

i can't iterate how much i love her or what i'm willing to do for her.

call me a fool for saying this, but i'm confident that there will not be any further critical issues, and that this will be the last stop, and phase in life before moving on to the next phase, marriage.

now? well i just have to keep working then.

I love you Siti Mariam. there can be no other..


ps: i still hate my job, but the fact that i have someone to 'come home to' is making my life more bearable. and although i screwed the air steward interview, i'm trying again this month. unless someone can offer me a SG$3.5k job that fully utilizes my talents(what talents?) and capabilities.