i've had a revelation. i am not lost anymore.

i realized that regardless of who or what i've become, it was ultimately my choice. even how i felt the past few journals, i realized i chose to feel that way, and be negative about it.

regardless of who i am, or the reasons for becoming so, does not matter. what matters is that there is a reason at all.

sure i'm quite the mixed bag, and most of the things i've done up till now was for the sake of fame and glory, but if that's what matters to me, i suppose it's more than valid.

sure i've burnt bridges and limited my social circle/life to only those closest to me, just so i can have more time to spend with my loved one, but what if the loved one is busy spending time with her friends? i can't just sit about and get pissed that she's spending time with her friends, and not willing to do the same thing i did. we're 2 different people, ultimately i have to understand that, even though we're all human, we all have our differences, and one cannot(and should not) impose their own will or point of view onto others, as there would always be adverse effects.

humans are all about adaptability and evolution. sure my own original self was damn boring to begin with that i began to reinvent myself to adapt to changes and the people around me. maybe some ppl might consider that 'selling yourself' and being 'fake', but as long as i believe in what i'm doing, what's so fake about that right?

she has learnt freedom, friendship, camaraderie. it's to be expected that i'll take a backseat as she's enjoying all these new things in life. what could i possibly do right? coz regardless of what happens, even though she's spending time with these new found friends of hers, watching movies, playing pool, shopping and whatnots, something which i had wanted to enjoy with my loved one alone, or together with her group of friends, i figured it would be selfish of me to demand such of her. well as long as she's not cheating on me of coz, haha. nothing assassination can't handle.

i guess i need to get used to the fact that girls in particular are always more demanding than guys, and it just doesn't work the other way round.(nvm if i'm wrong in this aspect, lol)

as for me, i need to revert back to my old self. i've been an empty husk living in the shadow of my former glory that i've been worrying too many ppl, and dragging them down with me. *coughsejacough* i've woken up people. i'm back in business and somewhat recovered more than i had when i got back with her in august last year.

about the issues with my head, well there MAYbe something wrong with me in the head, but as long as i'm rational put in lots of effort, i'm sure i can fix it somehow, with help from my friends.

my idol, Shinomori Aoshi always wanted to be the Strongest. and Kenshin said that dying is the easy way out, and living life is hard, but the only way to go. i've forgotten these few simple philosophies in life, and lost sight of my goals.

life will always be hard and complicated. but i suppose that's what makes life interesting. a fortune teller once told me that i'm better off with settling down with a quiet, compatible, and agreeable girl, and my life will be peaceful, except that he said i'm always thirsty for, and will be drawn/attracted to, complicated ppl, and have this want for dramatic situations, haha. i guess i can't help with my lot in life then.

whatever it is, i will continue to strive for greatness and perfection, regardless of how long it takes. there are far too many diverse people, and ppl who are great in one aspect or capability, but i must conquer them all. i must become jack of all trades so that the spoilt market will not leave me dead and empty life before...

i am back ppl. rejoice.